Spy Balloons and UFOs: What Would Burt Gummer Do?

As more and more reports of “spy” balloons come across the headlines, I have turned to my own personal patron saint, Burt Gummer, for guidance. You may know Saint Gummer from the Tremors movies; his awesome moustache and enviable gun safe make short work of the Graboid dirt-dragons. Now that the bogeys are coming from above, it’s time to ask ourselves: What Would Burt Gummer Do (WWBG)?

Let’s start by clarifying that I believe in UFOs, and so do you. The U in UFO stands for “unidentified,” so if you see something in the sky and nobody knows for sure what it is, it’s a UFO. It could be a weather balloon with a failed transponder, swamp gas, or little green men who are way, way too interested in our poopchutes. I hope the Chinese spy balloon isn’t carrying elbow-length latex gloves and Vaseline, but I know that whatever it wants from me, it can’t have it. So how about an everyday carry piece that will definitively put an end to those pesky UFOs?

Saint Gummer answered my prayers with a URL: www.platinumfighters.com. Not only do they sell jet fighters…to the public….but we have multiple choices! How about "World's Only Privately Owned F-4 Phantom Capable of Flight” with only 461 hrs on the airframe. That F-4 is practically brand new! It’s a two-seater so Burt could ride in the Goose seat and take potshots at Commie balloons. Best of all, the price has been slashed to a cool $1,500,000.

Hmm that F-4 is cool but it was built in the 1950’s, how about something a little bit newer? No problem! I have a McDonnell Douglas A4C Skyhawk 1960’s build. While A4 has around 1738 flight hours on the airframe, it is nowhere near over the hill and at a price tag of $795,000 it is a bargain for sure. The Skyhawk is a single seat agile light attack aircraft originally developed for the Navy and Marine Corp, so Burt and I figure it’s about good enough for us, too.

Burt is too practical to insist on American-made; remember that he’s an aficionado of Russian AK-47s for their rugged, simple features. One of the newest jet fighters we have found is the 1974 Russian manufactured Mig 21. This supersonic jet fighter was developed as an interceptor, so spy balloons will be a cinch! Just like the AK-47, the Mig-21 was the most produced supersonic fighter in history. In fact, it is still used by multiple Air Forces around the world. This means plenty of surplus parts and experience to keep me and Burt in the air for years.

It turns out that procuring aircraft was the easy part, but what about munitions? Well Burt is an avid re-loader and surely has the bullets, powder, and primers to spare and can get the job done. But wait! I know the secret location of a “brand new” Aim 9 Sidewinder Missile. According to my source, General Mark Milley the missile is currently un-detonated, unarmed, and resting at the bottom of Lake Huron…Finders Keepers!

All that said, if you’ve watched the documentary Top Gun you know you don’t actually have to shoot the spy balloon. Remember when, after a victory, pilot Maverick requests the Tower for a fly by, and the prudish commander denies the request? Maverick announces “it is time to buzz the tower,” and lo, the tower is rocked by the jet on its high speed passSimply buzzing these interlopers would upend them and have them fall to earth.

Wow, Burt’s plan is a real winner, and it seems like noting can go wrong. But what if that Air Force Sidewinder we found fails again and won’t shoot? Well, Burt has thought about it and just like the documentary Independence Day, if a missile fails you can always ride it into the UFO enemy!

Thinking about what Burt Gummer would do in a situation is always a fun exercise in fantasy. But what is not fantasy is that there are nation states that want nothing more than to create chaos in our nation and to overthrow it. The sad thing is that the Biden administration and their erratic behavior in dealing with the situation seems to be embracing it. My real warning is while everyone is pushing a balloon invasion distraction …what else is happening behind the scenes? Remember: Magic is nothing more than sleight of hand—look over here at this shiny object so we can pick your pocket! Have you checked for your wallet lately?

James “The XDMAN” Mr UnPewfessional